Ethics Scandal Rocks Humorix, Executive Indicted For Insider Trading
Fake News written by on Thursday, June 5, 2003
HUMORIX WORLD HEADQUARTERS -- It all started with an innocent-looking fake news story about Klingons that turned out to be true. Before long investigators were combing through every byte in the Humorix archives looking for truthful articles.
Now the company's Investment Relations Manager and Executive Book Cooker, Mr. G. E. Trich, has been indicted on 1 count of insider trading for selling his 1 million shares of Humorix stock (ex-Nasdaq: FAUX, current value $0e-16) before word spread about the company's explosive ethics crisis.
"It's a shame really," wrote a columnist in today's New York Times, the world's leading fiction publication. "Humorix had a net value of a staggering $1.52 last month, but because of the inability of their reporters and editors to separate truth from fiction, the company is even more worthless than a single Iraqi dinar."
Last week, outside investigators issued a report about Humorix that said bluntly, "Since this low-budget operation was founded nearly five years ago, every single staff member has engaged in the same kind of despicable, uncouth, lazy behavior -- telling the truth. This is unacceptable."
Before the report became public, Mr. G. E. Trich allegedly dumped all of his stock and used the proceeds to buy a new ink pen to conduct his book cooking activities with. (All of his previous pens had run dry and of course Humorix was too cheap to replace them -- office supplies are a privilege, not a right.)
Trich appeared in court earlier today to plead "not guilty". The judge remarked, "You're being charged with insider trading over 50 cents worth of stock? You really should be charged with 1 count of wasting my time."
According to Federal sentencing guidelines, if found guilty, Trich could face a $20 fine and 15 to 20 minutes in prison. He plans to fully fight the indictment, however, arguing, "I will do whatever it takes -- including embezzling a million dollars -- to hire a dream team of lawyers to defend me."
Mr. Trich isn't the only Humorix staff member to come under the gun in recent weeks. A recent editorial in the International Inquirer, the world's leading non-fiction publication, roasted the entire company for its shameful 'truthification' of the fake news.
"When publications with 'humor' in their name start going around and telling the truth, it poisons the whole community. Anybody fooled by one of these not-fake fake news stories will look with suspicious at every other humor publication. These transgressions are irreprehensible because they debase sarcasm, weaken parody, undermine buffoonery, and cripple comedy... That's the real tragedy here."
Humorix's two regular readers, however, seemed unfazed by recent revelations. "I dug through the site's archives and looked at 77 articles and none of them seemed to contain any nuggets of truth buried in them. They are cork-free. So what's the big deal? Sometimes people make innocent mistakes."
Noah Morals, Esq., Humorix's official legal counsel, was quick to seize upon that excuse. "We made some honest mistakes. The articles in question -- the ones labeled as fake news but which were actually true -- were meant for writing practice only but were picked up accidentally by our FTP script..."
He added, "Yeah, that's it. Phew, what a nice save. That should hold the little s.o.b.'s... Er, uhh, please don't quote that last part."