Humorix Writer Fired For Writing Real News
Fake News written by on Sunday, May 11, 2003
HUMORIX WORLD HEADQUARTERS -- The world's largest low-budget Linux humor website announced today that its intern reporter, Ms. Ann Oneemuss, has been fired after she admitted writing real news stories while labeling them as fake.
"At Humorix, we abide by journalistic standards that require us to publish only the finest fake news that our imaginations can fabricate. To publish real news is dishonest, unethical, and just plain wrong. We apologize for any inconvenience that Ms. Oneemuss' truthful reporting may have caused," Humorix's editor said.
Oneemuss was fired earlier today after attempting to file a supposedly fake news article entitled, "Hordes Of Klingon-Speaking Losers Descend On Oregon". In the story, she claimed to fabricate details of how Portland, Oregon was soliciting job applications for a Klingon-English translator to help communicate with mental patients.
"Oh, I immediately suspected this story was real," the Humorix editor said. "You just can't make this stuff up. And indeed Oneemuss did not make it up -- she stole the idea from Slashdot. While Slashdot does inadvertantly publish a large number of fake or misleading stories, this was not one of them. Oneemuss has been caught red-handed."
In her defense, the ex-intern reporter said, "I was getting desperate. I hadn't written anything since April 23rd and I needed a story idea quick. The Klingon story featured such extreme lunacy that I had no choice but to run with it. I hoped that it would be so unbelievable that nobody would believe it was real, but that didn't happen..."
After reviewing all of her previous stories, the staff of Humorix has been unable to find anything else that is blatantly real. "However, some of the articles might possibly contain a kernel of truth," the editor admitted. "We haven't had a chance to thoroughly check on them, but if we do find anything truthful we will immediately issue a correction and an apology."
Bob, Humorix's Regular Reader #3, expressed concern after learning of the firing. "This is all very bewildering. If Oneemuss was actually fired, then that means this story -- and this quotation I'm giving right now -- is also true, which means the author of this story is also guilty of truthfulness. But if this story is fake, as it should be, then that means this quotation is fabricated, which means that I exist only as the figment of somebody's imagination and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence!"
Ms. Oneemuss didn't seem too worried about her future now that she has been escorted out of the building by "Bubba", the Humorix security guard/sumo wrestler. "It's obvious from my writing portfolio that I can seemlessly go from real material to fake material and back again without hesitation. That kind of talent will allow me to go places -- such as Microsoft's Marketing Department."