CompUSSR Bans "Incompatible" Shoes From Stores
Fake News written by on Wednesday, February 19, 2003
ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA -- Two weeks ago, CompUSSR launched a new company website that no longer works with any browser except IE 6.0 on Windows ME with all security features disabled. Earlier today, the Russia-based computer vendor announced a similar policy for its 562 meatspace stores worldwide; customers will no longer be able to wear any brand of shoes except Nike® when entering.
"Nike brand shoes are the only brand that is 100% compatible with our carpeting and linoleum floors," CompUSSR spokesperson Mikhail Sovietstereotype said. "Anything else will leave scuff marks or cause undue wear and tear. We figure that the vast majority of consumers already wear Nikes and that this new policy will only affect a minority of our customers."
One store this reporter visited already had a large "No shirt, no Nike shoes, no service" sign hanging next to the company's trademark "Satisfaction 95% guaranteed, Comrade" poster. When I tried to enter sporting a pair of Reeboks, an alarm sounded and two security guards named Igor and Victor escorted me out, saying, "To best experience the CompUSSR store, please upgrade your shoes to Nike."
I was finally able to gain entry by writing "Nike" on pieces of duct tape and slapping them over the Reebok logos on my shoes. The alarm system and the guards didn't seem to mind.
When asked about the new policy, the store manager said, "So what? Only about 10 to 15 percent of the population continue to wear incompatible shoes. We simply can't waste money purchasing new carpeting and flooring to accomodate such a small minority... Now are you going to buy something or what?"
As a reporter, I am supposed to remain objective and present both sides of the story. But since I'm a reporter for a fake news publication with no ambitions of ever winning the Pulitzer Prize, I'm not going to let something like journalistic ethics get in my way. So I told the manager straight up: "You can take my rubles and shove 'em!"
The CompUSSR Chief Comrade was unavailable for comment at press time; his phone line is only reachable with a Sprint®-brand cellphone, which Humorix is too cheap to buy for their reporters.