Filler Material: Lawyers, AOL, Cloning
Fake News written by on Wednesday, January 29, 2003
Editor's Note: Several members of the Humorix staff have contracted a severe case of writer's block, a serious affliction that can last for days and causes victims to stare into space in front of their text editors for hours without coming up with one single original idea. Thankfully, we have a stockpile of emergency filler material to use during such a crisis. We apologize in advance for... uh... ummm... well... er... Oh crap, I've come down with it too!
Lawyers Banned From eBay
SILLYCON VALLEY, CA -- In a move designed to stem the tide of frivolous lawsuits, eBay has announced that "lawyers, attorneys, solicitors, barristers, and any other members of the bar" will no longer be allowed to use the company's auction service.
"Our research shows that lawyers are ten times more likely to file a bogus lawsuit than any other group," said an eBay press release announcing the new policy. "Therefore, we consider this group to be an extreme liability and we have decided to no longer conduct business with them."
As could be expected, 13.2 nanoseconds after the announcement, 15 different lawsuits had been filed against eBay, claiming that the auction company was engaged in predatory discrimination against lawyers that resulted in the trampling of their civil rights.
"It's not fair to single out lawyers just because of a few bad apples -- or even a few hundred thousand bad apples," explained one attorney who hopes to turn his case into a class-action lawsuit encompassing every lawyer in the country."
An eBay spokesperson issued a terse reponse, saying, "Insurance companies are within their legal right to deny coverage to individuals they deem 'high-risk'. In much the same way, our mathematical calculations clearly show that lawyers, attorneys, shysters, et al, are all high-risk customers. So there!"
Time Warner Attempts To Spin Off AOL For $126.23
SOMEWHERE -- Citing the fact that people are starting to realize that America's Only Line (AOL) sucks, the board of AOL Time Warner voted last week to split the company in two and sell the AOL unit to any buyer willing to spend US$126.23, the estimated market value of the company.
So far, however, the offer has failed to attract any serious buyers.
"For years, AOL's whole multi-billion dollar business model revolved around convincing newbie computer users that 'You've Got Mail!' was the height of technological innovation," explained one industy analyst. "Those days are over, and now AOL has nothing to show for itself."
While AOL's subscriber base has reached the 30 million mark, potential buyers feel threatened by the company's bad karma, negative reputation, and financial instability.
"I finally reached the conclusion that it's just not worth it," explained Bob, a fourteen-year-old lemonade stand entrepreneur who had saved up just enough money to buy AOL.
"At first it seemed like a bargain..." he said. "But then I looked at AOL's earnings report today and realized just how much money they lost in the last quarter. My lemonade stand is a low-budget operation, but with $50 in sales last year, it has turned a far greater profit than AOL, thank you very much. I'll pass on this deal."
Another prospective buyer backed out of a deal because of the company's reputation. "AOL is about as hip as disco, pogs, and Beanie Babies," she said. "Let's face it, AOL is so 1999."
Bill Gates Speaks Out Against "Software Cloning"
REDMOND, WA -- During his first annual "State of the Windows" speech delivered via satellite hookup to millions of Microserfs earlier today, Microsoft figurehead Bill Gates came out strongly against "software cloning" by humans.
"The practice of cloning -- or copying -- software is unethical, immoral, and a clear violation of God's law," Gates said. "We must not permit this injustice to happen anywhere."
"Cloned software lacks technical support," he continued. "It lacks documentation. It lacks Certificates of Authenticity. In short, it doesn't have a soul and should never have been created."
He also took the opportunity to chastise open source leaders for producing software that is designed to be cloned. "The sheer number of half-baked, half-finished open source projects polluting the Internet clearly demonstrates the inferior nature of cloned software. With each successive copy, the quality decreases."
"Peaceful methods to convince people to stop using cloned open source software have proven fruitless," Gates said. "It's time for action. If that means we have to declare war against the fruitcake Communists engaged in this vile, inhumane practice, then so be it..."