Microsoft Mandatory Survey 1.1
Fake News written by on Saturday, June 26, 1999
A member of our Vast Spy Network(tm) sent word of yet another Microsoft dirty trick (we're getting sick of these). People wanting to "upgrade" to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade.
Here is a copy of the survey that our spy was able to obtain:
Windows 98 Second Edition(tm)
User Preference Questionnaire 1.1
Dear Valued Customer -
Please fill out the following survey honestly and accurately. You may select one or more choices for each question. The results of this survey will be used to increase innovation and benefit consumers.
VP of Demographics Research
- What is your opinion of the Microsoft antitrust trial?
- The DoJ is wasting taxpayer's money. Now, if the DOJ were to upgrade all of its computer systems to Windows, then the department would be making wise use of tax dollars.
- All of the Microsoft email messages that the evil government has presented as evidence are obviously taken out of context or have been completely twisted around. I mean, c'mon, Bill Gates would never say "let's cut off their air supply" in a memo; it's an obvious fabrication.
- Judge Jackson is obviously biased in favor of the DOJ's vigilante persecution of Microsoft.
- If Microsoft loses, it will be the gravest miscarriage of justice in all the history of mankind.
- When did you stop using the obsolete Unix OS and upgrade to Windows NT?
- Two years ago
- One year ago
- Within the last few months
- I've never used it because I consider Unix to be crappy 1970's technology.
- I still use it because I'm forced to at work, but I have plans to smuggle in a Windows box to increase my productivity.
- Have you ever experimented with the freeware Linux OS created by a group of anarchist acne-laden teenagers via the Internet?
- No, I'd never trust my work to a piece of non-Microsoft software.
- No, I'd never trust my computer to a piece of software that has a restrictive license agreement such as the GNU GPL.
- No, I don't want to mess with the ancient command line interface Linux imposes on its users.
- Yes, but I quickly migrated back to modern Windows NT after I had trouble figuring out how to boot the thing from the cryptic LILO prompt.
- What is your favorite Microsoft Office feature?
- Dancing Paper Clip
- Takes up enough hard drive space to prevent my children from installing violent video games or downloading pornography
- Everyone else has it, so I can easily exchange documents with others
- I have so many favorites, I can't choose just one!
- Where do you want to go today?(tm)
- To Washington, D.C. to meet Janet Reno and cuss her out for persecuting Microsoft
- To Redmond, WA to take a tour of the Microsoft campus
- To the software store to purchase a new piece of Microsoft software
- To my local school district to convince the administration to upgrade the Macintoshes in the computer labs to Wintel systems
- I don't know about myself, but I'd like to see so-called "consumer advocates" like Ralph Nader go to Hell.
- Do you plan on upgrading to Windows 2000 when it is released in 2000 (or 2001)?
- Of course, I always upgrade to the latest versions to take advantage of new features and usability enhancements
- Yes, but only after I buy a new system that meets Windows 2000's system requirements
- Yes, but only if Internet Explorer is still integrated with it. If the evil government attempts to stifle innovation by forcing Microsoft to unbundle IE from Windows, then I'll stick with Windows 98.
- What new features would you like to see in the next version of Windows?
- A marquee on the taskbar that automatically scrolls the latest headlines from MSNBC
- Content filtration software for Internet Explorer that will prevent my children from accessing dangerous propaganda about "open source software".
- A new card game; I've spent over 10,000 hours playing Solitaire during my free time at work and I'm starting to get bored with it
- A screensaver depicting cream pies being thrown at Janet Reno, Joel Klien, David Boies, Ralpha Nader, Orrin Hatch, Linus Torvalds, Richard M. Stallman, and other conspirators out to destroy Microsoft
- A Reinstall Wizard that helps me reinstall a fresh copy of Windows to fix Registry corruptions and other known issues
- An option in the Control Panel to customize the way error messages such as the Blue Screen are presented
- If you could meet Bill Gates for one minute, what would you say?
- "Can you give me a loan for a million or so?"
- "I just love all the new features in Windows 98!"
- "Could you autograph this box of Windows 98 for me?"
- "I really enjoyed reading 'Business @ the Speed of Thought'. It's so cool!"
- "Give the government hell, Bill!"
- Which of the following do you prefer as a replacement for the current Microsoft slogan?
- "Over 20 Years of Innovation"
- "Wintel Inside"
- "Your Windows And Gates To The World"
- "Because Anti-Trust Laws Are Obsolete"
- "One Microsoft Way. It's Much More Than An Address!"
- "This Motto Is Not Anti-Competitive. And Neither Is Microsoft."
- "Fighting the Department of Injustice Since Day One"
- In which of the following ways has Microsoft software been able to improve your life?
- The feature in Windows 95 that alerts me to changes in Daylight Saving Time is wonderful; I'll never be late to work again!
- Instead of the weather, I find that talking about the latest Office virus outbreak to be an excellent ice-breaker at parties.
- The high marketshare of Windows means that I can write a program in Visual Basic or Visual C++ and it will work without modification on millions of computer systems around the globe. This means I can make more money as a software developer. Of course, I'd never dream of writing a program that competed with a Microsoft product.
- What are your feelings about that fact that you are required to complete this questionnaire in order to obtain the innovative Windows 98 Second Edition upgrade?
- I don't mind giving demographic information to large multinational corporations.
- What's good for Microsoft is good for me... and the country.
- No problem, it's just a simple survey.
- I like taking surveys.
- If one of your friends, co-workers, or relatives forwarded you a ficticious Microsoft press release or joke via email, how would you respond?
- I'd reply with a joke that's actually funny, something like "Top Ten Reasons Why Janet Reno Is Evil" or "How Many 14 Year Old Linux Hackers Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?"
- I'd subscribe them to a bunch of pro-Microsoft mailing lists.
- I'd forward their name to the Microsoft Legal Department for a possible libel lawsuit.
- I'd change my email address so I wouldn't receive any more garbage from them again.
- Which of the following new Microsoft products do you plan on buying within the next 6 months?
- Windows For Babies(tm) - Using an enhanced "click-n-drool" interface, babies will be able to learn how to use a Wintel computer, giving them a head start in living in a Microsoft-led world.
- Where In Redmond Is Carmen Sandiego?(tm) - The archvillian Sandiego has stolen the Windows source code and must be stopped before she can publish it on the Net. You must track her through the streets of Redmond and apprehend her.
- ActiveKeyboard 99(tm) - An ergonomic keyboard that replaces useless keys like SysRq and Scroll Lock with handy keys like "Play Solitaire" and "Visit Microsoft.com".
- Visual BatchFile(tm) - An IDE and compiler for the MS-DOS batch file language. MSNBC calls it "better than Perl".
- How would you rate the performance of the Microsoft defense team in the antitrust trial?
- Perfect; they have clearly shown that Microsoft's market leading position is good for consumers.
- Outstanding; all of the pundits who are predicting that Microsoft will lose are a bunch of idiots.
- Excellent; Bill Gates' wonderful video deposition clearly demonstrated to the American public that he is a true visionary.
- I don't know; I haven't been paying any attention to the case because I know Microsoft will prevail anyways.
- In your opinion, what companies should Microsoft seek to acquire in the coming year?
- Disney. I'd like to see a cute animated movie starring Clippit the Office Assistant.
- CBS. I'd like to see a new line-up featuring must-watch shows like "Touched by a Microserf", "Redmond Hope", "Everybody Loves Bill", "The Late Show With Steve Ballmer", and "60 Minutes... of Microsoft Infomercials",
- Google. Microsoft could drastically improve the quality and performance of this search engine by migrating it from Linux to Windows NT servers.
- Lowes Hardware Stores. Every copy of Windows 2000 could come bundled with a coupon for a free kitchen sink or a free window!
- How many times a day do you reboot your Windows computer?
- Only when the power goes out
- If Bill Gates were to run for elected office in the next 6 years, would you vote for him?
- Sure, he couldn't possibly be any worse than Al Gore.
- Yes, Bill G. will stand up for the right to innovate.
- Yes, because I doubt this Bill would ever get involved with any sex scandals involving interns.
- Witnessing the popularity of "Dilbert", Microsoft has plans to launch a syndicated comic strip featuring life at Microsoft. What characters would you like to see in such a comic strip?
- Judge Jackson, the goofy court judge who is always making foolish (and funny) decisions
- Bob, a wacky Microsoft programmer who likes to insert easter eggs in his work, and who is addicted to playing "Age of Empires"
- Bill Gates, the intelligent nerd extraordinaire who always gets his way by simply giving people large sums of money
- Ed Muth, the Microsoft spokesman who keeps putting his foot in his mouth. When not in public, however, he's a surprisingly sexy "chic magnet".
- Poorard Stalinman, the radical leader of a tiny movement of hackers to provide "free" software for the masses at the expense of Capitalistic values
Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to complete this mandatory survey and thank you for choosing Microsoft.